September 27, 2003 - 7:00 p.m.

In the world of online journaling, it's a popular and amusing pastime to comment on the bizarre, perverted, and just plain scary Google searches that have led people to one's site. I enjoy reading this kind of thing in other people's journals, but I've never done it myself.

Why, you ask? Well, look up at top of the page. I don't think it's fair for me to play the funny Google game when I have the word "pussy" in my title. That would be the equivalent of using vaseline on the ball or taking steroids, except without any of the subtlety. (And, yes, I realize that the fact that "vaseline," "ball," and "pussy" all now appear on this page is just asking for trouble.)

But, you know, there comes a time in every journaler's life when she just wants to play a little. When she wants to have fun. When she doesn't have anything else to write about. At Last Year's Pussy, my friends, that time is now.

To make it appear as if I've actually put any thought into this, I'm going to divide the searches from the last 24 hours into two groups -- words that appeared paired with "pussy" and searches that didn't mention pussy at all.

First, the pussy group:

"political": I don't know if they meant "political pussy" in terms of, say, a candidate who's kind of a wimp or if this search was meant to elicit more of a "Babes of Capitol Hill"-type result. Sadly for our searcher, he or she found neither here.

"how long should a guy last the first time getting some": At first, I assumed that a young man had entered this search term, and I felt kind of bad for him. But it just occured to me that it might be a girl. In which case, I feel a little worse. Take heart, kids! It gets better, I swear!

"Arianna Huffington": I'm guessing this was a search for porn. Because she's definitely not a wimp.

Mideast: I'm getting this one a lot lately. I'm choosing to view it as a step for multiculturalism in porn. Shut up.

"blood coming out of": I've read Our Bodies, Ourselves, like everyone else, but still. Ew.

And now, here are the non-pussy entries.

"Tom McClintock asshole": I think I was actually on the first page of results for this, which made me a little nervous. So nervous, in fact, that I did a search for "Gray Davis prick." On that one, I'm farther down. Still, Tom and Gray -- don't have me killed or fuck with my car registration or anything, OK?

"skinny girls with big boobs": I get this one a lot. Really, guys, show some imagination, why don't you?

"LET PAssers last August 31 2003": I have absolutely no idea what this means, but my page is the top result. Woohoo!

"the Amazing Race theme song": I feel really bad about misleading people on this. I know, it's a good song, isn't it? I don't have it here. Sorry.

"pubic hair sticking out of bathing suit": This is another one I get all the time. It strikes me as rather ... specific. I still haven't decided if people are looking for grooming tips or if we've entered the realm of niche pornography. You don't have to e-mail me if you know the answer. It's OK, really.

So there you have it, my official, "Look at the wacky searches people used to get to my site" entry. I promise to never resort to such a device until the next time I have writer's block or someone searches for something really gross, whichever comes first.

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