December 11, 2004 - 6:27 p.m.

The new calendars are here, and I'm a little freaked out.

For the past few years, a local market has sent calendars to everyone in the neighborhood. And when I say that, I mean that they send multiple calendars to every single house. Ours came last night, and we only have three, so far. But I counted a stack of 16 outside my landlord's door.

The first year, we got something like 12, delivered over the course of a week or so. Every day we'd come home, and there would be a couple more waiting for us. After awhile, I started to feel vaguely uncomfortable, like I was being stalked by someone who was really into personal organization.

Initially, there was only one theme -- wild animals of some sort. But last year the store branched out, and we got three different designs -- the animals again, one called "America the Beautiful" that had, you know, mountains majesty and stuff, and then another of second-rate swimsuit models. We hung onto the animals, and tossed the rest in the recycling bin.

This year, the selections are more animals, GM classic cars, and one that's kind of Jesus-y. We will probably, again, go with the animals. But I have to say, I'm disturbed by a few things in this year's calendar. I was trying to come up with ways of describing these things to you, but then I discovered that the company that makes these calendars has a website, so I am spared having to use any actual writing skill.

First of all, each calendar comes with a set of stickers you can use to make note of important dates, like birthdays, doctor's appointments, and manicures. This, year, the calendar people are excited to announce, there are some new (or, as they put it, "NEW") stickers:





See the second sticker in the top row? What sick motherfucker came up with that? I guess I can see marking the day of a memorial service on a calendar, but who uses the medium of stickers to remind themselves to pay their respects?

Probably someone who thinks that this is a good picture to represent April:





Because what better way to celebrate spring than with a Scary Owl of Death? I really hope that in this case, the owls are not what they seem, because this owl seems like it wants to rip out my jugular.

However, much as it pains me to say it, that is not the most disturbing picture in the calendar. Ladies and gentleman, I bring you Mr. July:





If it's July, it's time to get ripped apart by angry badgers. Oddly, they don't have a sticker for that.

I guess it could have been worse. We could've gotten the Safety and Insurance Tips calendar, which consists of many of the same scenic vistas in the America the Beautiful calendar, accompanied by captions explaining how these scenes can go horribly awry and kill you. The winding country road, for example, is graced with an explanation of how your antilock braking system could fail at any time.

My favorite, though, is this:

It's true that propane is scary. But not as scary as an angry badger.

previous - next